I have been absent in my posts for over two weeks now.
Basically I've gone off the diet train, the exercise bus and the healthy living. I've been blaming it on being busy, because I am. I am flat out, all day busy with so much going on that it has been a little over whelming. However its my mind that has not been in the right place. Basically I've been feeling a little messed up for the last couple of weeks, partially from stress, partially from other life dramas but mostly because I look at the changes I have made to my life-style and health over the last year and I still see no progress. I don't look smaller, I don't weigh less. Physiologically I feel crappier, although in general mentally I feel healthier (don't get me wrong, that's something I'm ecstatic with).
Basically I've gotten to the point of "why should I care if nothings working". I'm on thyroid pills, I have a healthier diet and I am more active, so why do I weigh just as much as I did this time last year? Sure I am not at the gym every day but I am more active then many of my peers and it just makes me mad and frustrated and upset. Isn't it funny that my flatmate can eat Ice cream for breakfast do little physical activity and still be 3-4 sizes smaller than I.
Isn't it funny that at the start of this month I declared to "make July my B****" and mid way through I crumbled when I noticed I was right back to where I started a year ago. Isn't it funny that instead of actively pursuing my goals I punished/sabotaged/gave up on my self and have been eating less then the best. Not that its terrible food, it's not cheeseburgers and fries everyday all day, but still its comfort food and its not the greatest. I've had roasts, nachos, cheese toasties, pavlova and cheesecake (although these were for my Nana's 80th and I was very restrictive with my servings - mini win yay!), Ice cream and chocolate/candy - not all in one day! I've talked myself out of exercise because hey whats the point if I'm not losing weight from it.
Isn't it funny that despite doing all these things I am 100% aware of how stupid I am for doing them and how damaging it is not only for my weight-loss goals but also for my physical and mental well being, yet I don't stop these bad choices the next day.
Isn't it funny that despite all my enthusiasm, July was not my bitch this year. But today it is August and although I didn't get it right throughout the day so far, I have 30 more days to try. I'm sick of restarting and it frustrates me to know that I do not have the motivation and determination to stay steady in my focus, I remember what I've typed in previous entries and feel so disappointed that those moments of focus and determination keep faltering.
So I enter August - feeling a wee bit defeated but not ready to give up. I have no set goals for this month, I will just see where I end up come the 31st. It's basic science weight = energy in - energy out. I can do this I am in my 3rd and final year of a science degree am I not?